No good deed goes unpunished: The Apple blame game

WWDC is long over but The Macalope has still not dug out from under the backlog of BLAZZLEFROZZLE that erupted in the wake of Apple’s keynote.

Writing for The New York Times, Farhad Manjoo said after WWDC “Apple Shuns the Tech Industry’s Apology Tour.”

Reasonable people could probably come up with a list of things for Apple to apologize for. Maybe your MacBook Pro keyboard is a lemon, maybe you’re having a hard time picking out a good Mac to buy because the company doesn’t make Macs as often as they used to. Whatever your very reasonable complaint is, you won’t find it in this piece.

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Friends and enemies: Reacting to Apple’s privacy stance

Shocking news has reached the Macalope’s furry ears: it turns out that Apple is not a non-profit set up with the goal of protecting individual privacy and that it actually sells things and uses that as a sales point! It’s all very tawdry and shocking.

If you are five.

Writing for Gizmodo, Rhett Jones says “Apple Isn't Your Friend.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Tibor.)

YOU TAKE THAT BACK. APPLE IS MY BESTEST FRIEND FOREVER AND WE’RE RIDING OUR BIKES FAR, FAR AWAY FROM THIS STUPID PLACE VERY SOON, YOU’LL SEE.

[sob] [slam]

Apple has been steadily positioning itself as the anti-Facebook for a while now, and between verbal jabs aimed at the social media giant and privacy-focused product decisions, the patient goodwill campaign seems to be working. Unfortunately, Apple isn't going to save us, and now's the time to keep your guard up.

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Not seeing red: Missing Apple’s color strategy

When you have a small point to make—that Apple has trended toward slightly muter tones in its products and offloaded the more extreme color optioning to cases and bands to allow customers more options for accessorizing—the best way to make it is to loudly declare Apple has killed “fun.” That’s just basic punditry, people.

“Apple killed fun.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Shawn King.)

Just to watch it die. May or may not have happened in Reno. Still waiting for the forensics. The body of fun was found in the desert, 40 miles east.

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A thousand noes: Checking out the Android hotness

Apple famously said there are a thousand noes for every yes. Let’s look at one of those noes which is helpfully brought to us today by Vivo.

To be clear, they’re not a sponsor. We’re just going to look at one of their dumb phones.

Writing for the very nice people and the sound of an out-of-tune piano coming from the attic of an abandoned Victorian house over at Business Insider, Antonio Villas-Boas tells us about the new Android hotness.

“This smartphone has a hidden pop-out selfie camera.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick.)

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The unmerry-go-round: Repeating Apple rumors

As we approach the end of the second quarter of 2018, it’s nice to look back at all that nonsense about iPhone order cuts from the first quarter and be glad that’s all in the rear-view mirror.

Yes, looks like it’s time for The Macalope to lean back and take a looong drink of water as he opens up his browser to read the headlines of the day…

“Apple, Suppliers Drop After Report of Cut in iPhone Orders.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip and Alex.)

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The shouting: What’s left when WWDC is over

What would Apple do without a host of pundits coming out in the days after its announcements to let the company know what it did wrong? The Macalope suspects the company would like to one day find out, but today is not that day.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and summer school for beginner and intermediate air guitar, Ewan Spence declares that “No New iPhone At WWDC Is Apple's Big Mistake.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Alex, Dan and Philip.)

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Woe no: Apple failed to cure tech addiction

Apple held a keynote this week and it failed to cure society of all its woes which, by the way, were all created by Apple.

Writing for Wired, Arielle Pardes describes “Tech addiction and the paradox of Apple’s screen time tools.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nathan.)

To drive home the point of how tech addiction is a very real thing and not mostly a bunch of pseudo-science babble attempting to rebrand certain poor life choices, Wired includes a picture of a typical dumb-dumb enraptured by his stoopid iPhone and provides this caption:

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Restricted views: Unstated reasons for limited access in iOS

Apple’s WWDC Keynote was on Monday so that meant you had to get any complaints about the company filed over the weekend if you wanted to maximize your humph.

Writing for Wired and nailing that tried-and-true formula, Arielle Pardes complained that “Apple’s restrictions aren’t helping tech addiction.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Alter Eggo.)

Pundits everywhere agree that tech addiction is a very serious real actual thing even though there’s quite a bit of evidence that it’s just another made-up piece of pseudo-science for them to rail against for a while before moving on to the next outrage-du-jour.

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Innovation myopia: Seeing it where you want to

Apple has been bested yet again! It’s a wonder they even both to try anymore.

Writing for Mashable, Stan Schroeder tells us that “A bunch of cool new phones are coming out of China soon.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Nick.)

That’s kind of dull compared to the page title: “Sorry, Apple and Samsung. Smartphone innovation is happening in China.” One gets the feeling he is sorry… yet also not sorry. It’s Schrödinger’s Apology.

Well, then, let’s see the innovation. Presumably it’s not the innovation U.S. intelligence agencies are concerned about coming from these phones that is stealing users information for the benefit of the Chinese government, which some of these firms are beholden to. Presumably because that doesn’t seem like the kind of innovation people want and, also, because there’s no mention of that concern anywhere in this article.

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Increasingly wrong: The iOS advantage

If you’ve been around as long as The Macalope has… uh, well, sorry about your chronic aches and pains and the series of trusses and garters you must employ in order to simply wear clothes. Or is that just The Macalope? Anyway, more to the point, you might remember that back in the day when kids were still saying “back in the day,” the conventional wisdom went something like this:

Android is taking the majority of the market share so Apple is doomed because developers will stop developing for iOS and develop for Android instead. It’s the Mac versus Windows all over again.

Actually, it wasn’t something like that, it was exactly like that, as Henry Blodget epitomized back in 2011.

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The addiction: That thing we made up is all Apple’s fault

Technology addiction. You have it. Your spouse has it. Your children have it. Your dog has it. Your dog’s spouse has it.

Remember? Before you got addicted to technology, you use to do wacky things like throw dog weddings. This is why everyone was so happy when you got addicted to technology, Gail. Who wants to spend $50 buying a present for Sparky and Miffy’s wedding? Also, who registers their dogs at Sur La Table? It’s ridiculous.

Dogs can’t cook, Gail, we know you were just keeping the presents for yourself.

There’s a lot we don’t know about technology addiction, but the one thing we know for sure is that it’s mostly Apple’s fault. Apple created the modern smartphone, after all, and the modern smartphone is the source of all ills. Q.E.D. with jelly on it.

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Let’s do it again: One iPhone killer dies, another is born

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since the Essential phone was first teased, heralding an avalanche of unbridled enthusiam as pundits pointedly predicted its iPhone-killing ability.

The Verge called it an “incredibly audacious and ambitious project” even before it even launched. And, to be fair, it launched almost two months late so The Verge was right because “over-ambitious” is a kind of “ambitious.”

Anyway, how’d that all turn out? Surely everyone has tossed their iPhones into the lake and is using the Essential phone now with its amazing “thing” it was going to have that no iPhone had whatever that turned out to be.

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Release the hounds: When a press release fits your notions

If you’re someone who does the writing of the things, you will eventually get a on a PR mailing list or two. Or, well, more like 800. It’s closer to 800. Congratulations, you will never be alone. On the downside, your inbox will be buried with product announcements about which you could not care less. They all start something like this:

Hey, [MAIL MERGE FIELD #FIRSTNAME], hope you’re having the best day ever! I just wanted to see if you were interested in writing about the hottest new product to come out of the burgeoning field of hamster-related technologies. Starting with nothing but a loan of $1.5 million from their parents (and several subsequent runs of seed capital from angel investors) and working from a garage in Brentwood, these three techbros have created what Hamstertech Weekly called “Echo Show for hamsters”…

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The doom addiction: Analysts still down on AAPL

Apple recently reported positive results for last quarter and gave positive guidance for next quarter so it’s really just a question of when, exactly, it is the company will go out of business.

Writing for Investopedia, Mark Kolakowski explains “Why Apple Investors Cut Stakes by Most in Decade” (Tip o’ the antlers to Jamie.)

It’s simple. Lead paint chips are delicious. Everyone knows this but no one wants to talk about it.

Apple Inc, the world's largest company by market capitalization (roughly $925 billion), has inspired cult-like devotion among its customers…

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2 fast, 2 furious: iPhone SE 2 rumors run amok

Apple rumors are really exhausting, aren’t they? The Macalope just read a bunch of them and he needs a nap.

But first we need to talk about iPhone SE 2 rumors for a minute because this stuff cray. It’s hella wack. Lit. It’s, uh, on fleek? Whatever, it’s all over the place.

Most of these iPhone SE 2 rumors of late come from the Japanese blog Mac Otakara. MacRumors provides a recent summation stating:

…Apple is apparently still considering a final design for the device among the several different prototypes it is said to have tested.

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Crazy-making: Apple’s reinvention of the smartphone

Apple is a consumer technology company that has introduced any number of popular devices and that just makes some people so mad.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and Institute for the Repeated Inhalation of Helium, Simon Rockman explains “How Apple Killed Innovation.”

Was it with kindness? It was probably kindness. Or piano wire.

Mobile World Congress 2018 was strange.

First of all, there were monkeys everywhere. And they were all wearing pants. But not monkey pants, they were like businessmen from the waist down. Second, the walls were all moving in psychedelic waves and then a whale with an elephant’s head swam through and ohhh, wait, that was an acid trip, not Mobile World Congress 2018.

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Taking stock: The X effect on AAPL

A funny thing happened to AAPL’s inexorable trajectory to zero dollars a share.

If you play the ponies (otherwise known as investing in individual securities) and follow Apple, you probably heard that the failure that is the iPhone X (spoiler: not a failure) was driving Apple’s stock ever downward. Let’s review.

Oh, come on. It’ll be fun.

On April 27th, CNet bemoaned:

Apple's stock has dropped about 8 percent over the past two months. It closed Monday at $165.26 and was ticking upward slightly in premarket trading Tuesday.

As the Macalope noted at the time, he’s not sure why two months was supposed to be a meaningful amount of time other than picking a point when Apple’s stock was very high so you could maximize the “Oh, how the might have fallen” factor. If it was worth noting then, however, it’s probably also worth noting that as of Continue reading "Taking stock: The X effect on AAPL"

Bear it in mind: Rumors of the iPhone X failure failed

The Macalope has written a lot about iPhone X sales in the first four months of this year. Based on the company’s quarterly results we can see that many were wrong about iPhone X sales, but who among them were the wrongerest?

Witness now the unbearable wrongness of being an Apple bear this cycle.

Remember this one? Just late last month Quartz’s David Gershgorn was telling us that “Almost nobody wants the iPhone X.”

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Rabble rousing: iOS 11 bugaboo

The Macalope has said it time and time again but, kids, if you want to be a pundit in technology today just remember one rule: all Apple problems are the worst thing ever.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and illegal manatee fighting ring, Gordon Kelly is back to take nothing but fair trade, organic mole hills and—using an artisanal, hand-crafting technique—turn them into mountains.

“Apple Warns iPhones Have A Serious Problem.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip.)

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