Still doing it: The unkillable iPhone X rumor

Have fun: No one has to use iOS

Everyone is leaving iOS! OK, a few people. And the Macalope wishes them well.

No, really. Stop winking.

Writing for CNet, Patrick Holland tells you how to “Break up with Apple: The Pixel 2 is the best iPhone upgrade.”

OK, yes, the headline is terrible. It’s a sprinkling of nuts on top of a cupcake. It’s a Kroger Value-brand maraschino cherry in a bourbon cocktail. It’s a Rob Enderle quote in an article about Apple. But, the article is actually a straightforward discussion of the relative merits of each phone.

Yes, you have to take the premise that the iPhone 8 is not under consideration for “reasons,” but it’s clearly stated. Look, we don’t question how Chidi on The Good Place is supposedly speaking translated French in the afterlife but effortlessly speaks flawless American-accented English while working as a professor in Australia while alive, either.

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Asked and unanswered: The iPhone X failure mystery

Did you know that you can imply any crazy ol’ thing if you just phrase it as a question? Let’s look at an example.

Is Craig Federighi a never nude?

See? The Macalope didn’t say Craig was a never nude, but now all you can picture is Craig showering in jorts. And we don’t even know if he does that! Yet! But it’s a thing that people are speculating about. There’s talk of it. Now, anyway.

Writing for Newsweek, Jason Murdock is doing that fancy two-step that’s sweeping the nation called “Just askin’!”

“Did the iPhone X fail? New study reveals why users refused to upgrade.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Daniel.)

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Re-failing: The iPhone X fails and fails again

Common sense has disproved previous supply chain rumors about what a disappointment the iPhone X has been. So let us now move on to new supply chain rumors about what a disappointment the iPhone X has been.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and all restaurant food-sourced human hair wig factory, Ewan Spence sticks to his guns. His empty, empty guns.

“Apple's Uncertain Future After Misjudged iPhone X Failure.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Walt.)

Not only has the iPhone X been a failure, but Apple misjudged the failure. Wait, does that mean it was a success?

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Price elasticity: Contortions over an iPhone X survey

Notch fever: Sweeping the Android world

Who’s got notch fever?! Everyone! Sadly.

Writing for The Verge, Vlad Savov says “Bad iPhone notches are happening to good Android phones.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Michael and 5cat.)

Well, are these really “good” phones, Vlad? Phones are not like dogs. They’re not all good. Some of them are bad phones.

MWC 2018 will go down in history as the launch platform for a mass of iPhone X notch copycats, each of them more hastily and sloppily assembled than the next.

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Wires forever: Entangled in the wired headphone lifestyle

The year is 2048. Roving gangs of mutant-killing cyborg sentinels deputized by President “Cash Me Outside” Girl enforce an uneasy peace. Aerial drones patrol public places, using lethal force to punish wearers of unlicensed Disney merchandise. The Fast and Furious franchise continues to churn out movies at an even faster and more furious pace than ever, adding five movies in as many days. Holo-TVs are in wide distribution, costing only 100,000 credits (10,000 credits for an “ads-only” version from Amazon).

And somewhere, someone is still putting out pieces complaining about the lack of a headphone jack in the iPhone LXI, even though it features a zero latency neural implant.

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Delayed disgratification: The iPhone X could always have done better

The Macalope is so old that he remembers when people were freaking out because Apple was not only going to introduce 2017’s iPhone in the fall of 2017, but 2018’s as well. By which he means he is older than one year old.

(No, you stop using that joke.)

The iPhone 8 was supposed to be the iPhone 7s and the iPhone X was supposed to be the iPhone 8. But, instead of shipping it a year early, the company shipped it a month late! And named it the wrong thing! Apple can’t do anything right!

Writing for The Motley Fool, Ashraf Eassa explains “Why the Delayed Apple Inc. iPhone X Launch Hurt iPhone Sales.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip.)

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Troubling analysis: The iPhone’s overstated problems

One of the primary rules of Apple punditry is that if Apple has a problem, then that problem must be existential.

Writing for Computerworld, Steven J. Vaughan-Nichols says “Apple is not as good as its bottom line.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

How can I say Apple is in trouble when it’s selling 10 iPhones per second?

And not burst into flames? Uh, say it while lounging in a bathtub full of industrial strength firefighting foam? That might do it.

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Nothing on but repeats: Recycling iPhone X doom

It’s mid-February and, as you may have noticed, many of your favorite shows are on a brief hiatus so there’s nothing on but reruns. Apparently even in Apple rumors.

Writing for The Motley Fool, Evan Niu provides “More Evidence That iPhone X Demand Is Underwhelming.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Philip.)

Like we needed any more after the thing. And the other thing.

…Apple’s own fiscal first-quarter earnings release contained clues suggesting as much, the most notable being the fact that Apple reached supply-demand balance for iPhone X in December—just over a month after the $999 flagship phone was released.

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Killing it: Apple kills supposedly killer bug

The Macalope thinks it must exhausting being an Apple nay-sayer. You have to constantly scan the news so that when anything negative happens regarding Apple you can quickly type it up and declare it to be life-threatening to the company.

Writing for Inc., Erik Sherman says the “iPhone Has a Killer Character Problem, and It’s Kicking Apple’s Brand.” (Tip o’ the antlers to SamT.)

Killer karacter problem kicks Apple! Katastrophically.

If you have an iPhone, better be careful about any text your apps display.

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Unseriously: The iPhone’s supposed problem

Half right: Fighting iPads with Fire

Here’s a thought exercise for you. See if you can guess which part of this headline the Macalope thinks is right and which part he thinks is a slow, leisurely drive through downtown Cuckoo Bananaville, population TechnoBuffalo’s Justin Herrick.

“Amazon effectively killed Android tablets, and the iPad’s next.” (Tip o’ the antlers to mylestaylor.)

The Macalope didn’t say it was going to be a very strenuous exercise.

Herrick does the math and realizes that if A equals B… then C! With jelly on it!

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Unreal: Hunting the elusive iPhone X owner

We know what pundits say about the iPhone X and we know what Apple says about the iPhone X, but what do a random handful of people who you might run into if you step outside your house say about it?

Writing for CNet, Chris Matyszczyk has found a great way to expense lunch, which the Macalope is upset he didn’t think of first.

“iPhone X a disappointment? Here’s what real people think.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Chris.)

Finally we’ll hear from some real people! What a relief.

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Double or nothing: Certain standards only get applied to Apple

If you’ve been in an induced coma for the year… well, congratulations. That sounds pretty sweet. But to catch you up on the connected home speaker wars, here’s how it’s gone while you were out:



That’s about all you missed. And some good TV but you can catch up on that.

Pundits are falling over each other like non-adorable but still stupid puppies in a big, dumb basket to lament Apple’s decision to position the HomePod as a high-end speaker system rather than a cheap home AI system. It may be a fair criticism that Apple’s not really competing as well as it should be Continue reading "Double or nothing: Certain standards only get applied to Apple"

Insufficiently good: The bad news about the iPhone X

Tim Cook. You remember that guy? Turns out—who knew?—he’s still running Apple. Can you even believe that?

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and stuffed animal tea party but with actual bears that have just eaten too much, Ewan Spence brings us the “bad news”.

“iPhone X Failure To Ignite Passion Is Bad News For Tim Cook.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @JonyIveParody.)

The iPhone X was expected to lead a resurgence in Apple’s market share…

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Trouble ahead: Even the small products can ruin Apple

Apple is oft criticized for relying so much on the iPhone, as it makes up 70 percent of the company’s revenue. That criticism seems odd, though, considering that even lesser product lines can also spell doom for the company. It’s doom opportunities all the way down.

Writing for CNBC, Keris Lahiff brings us the bad news.

“Apple skeptic says company ‘in trouble’ ahead of HomePod launch.” (Tip o’ the antlers to @designheretic.)

Is that right? Let us look at the company’s quarterly results announced last week:

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Going wrong: The desire to fix the iPhone X

Let’s face it, the iPhone X is a huge problem! It’s obvious! People are saying it, so it must be true. The only question is how to fix the problem. Luckily, internet talky people are here to tell Apple how. Thank God. Finally someone is giving Apple some free advice.

Writing for Fortune, Mohanbir Sawhney has the goods.

“Here’s Where Apple Went Wrong With the iPhone X.” (Tip o’ the antlers to mylestaylor.)

Oh, good, we’re finally going to get to the bottom of this. OK, sit down everyone. Shh. Quiet. OK, go ahead Mohanbir.

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X marks the spot: Tracking Apple’s decline

Welcome to Apple doom watch (not to be confused with the Apple Watch doom watch). We are now on day…

Uh, Siri? How many days has it been since April 1, 1976?

Writing for MarketWatch, Jurica Dujmovic brings us another day closer to the inevitable.

“Keep focusing on bling, Apple, and you will continue to decline.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Neil and Craig.)

Because Apple’s declining.

I used to love Apple.

But not anymore. There goes your biggest fan ever, Apple. Again. Way to go.

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